Resolve

I’ve never been good with New Year’s resolutions. I typically make lofty, unattainable goals that inevitably lead to feelings of failure, and honestly, they usually address shallow, superficial concerns. While I would love to start 2010 without any goals or expectations, I’m afraid the work God has been doing in my heart over the last 6 months demands a resolution.

I know now, just 2 hours into the new year, that I will fail to keep this resolution. I am certain to forget, or cower down and cover my eyes and ears and pretend this resolution was never made, and even blatantly go against this resolution out of defiance or anger, but I must make it just the same.

So, for 2010 I resolve to keep going. To keep digging, to keep seeking, to keep growing; to keep putting one foot in front of the other. This journey of knowing God and myself is just beginning, and every day I want to call it quits. It’s difficult and unpleasant, and some days I hate God for opening my eyes to all of it. But there is no going back, and I certainly don’t want to stay where I am. So I am resolving to do the only thing that’s left; keep going.

Sure, there are some specific things that I have in mind that fall under the “keep going” category; regular solitude, intentional thanksgiving and surrender, practicing spiritual and physical disciplines, and finishing some long over-due projects (read school papers), but I am resolving to count 2010 a success if I can simply keep breathing. If in the midst of my fear and confusion and frustration I can make the choice to continue, to pray and surrender rather than pout and sabotage myself I know this will be the beginning of a great decade.