Moving Forward

The last 3 months have been full of noteworthy events and revelations. I’ve traveled all over the country, spent a week in silence and solitude, spent two weeks with swine flu, celebrated all that God has done in the last year, and experienced Him in completely new and different ways. With each of these experiences I’ve thought of All Things Grow. I’ve thought of writing it all down, so I don’t forget, so I can process all that I’m thinking and feeling and (as I was recently reminded) weed out all of the nonsensical rabbit trails that run rampant in my mind, but tend to work themselves out when pen is put to page. I’ve thought about it, but I haven’t allowed my thoughts to move into action. I’d give you 3 guesses as to why, but I don’t think it will take that many. Fear. On the surface I’m afraid my limited vocabulary won’t give the great experiences the weight they are due. And on a deeper level, after spending a week alone with God, I’m afraid to revisit all that He stirred in my heart, afraid to discover how deep the pain really goes.

My 90 day journey of fearless living was fruitful, but proved to simply be a catalyst for what is sure to be a much longer journey. I’m learning that discovery of your true self and discovery of God are intimately linked; you can’t find One without the other. If I could have things my way I would take out discovery of myself all together. Mustering up the courage to dig around in the broken, ugly places is difficult. Theoretically beneath all of that crap I will find the unique, lovable, beautiful woman that God already sees, but right now the lies have the upper hand. I’ve spent 27 years with these lies; they’ve been my truth as long as I can remember. They’ve sustained me and brought me comfort when the truth was too much to bear. But things have changed. I’ve changed. The lies can’t contain all of who I am anymore, or all that I was created to be. The perfect world that I carefully crafted so long ago is crumbling around me. I feel exposed and vulnerable and lost. I don’t know how to navigate this new reality.

It would be easy for me to share part of my journey here. To share only the good parts, or the neat and tidy parts; the parts I have figured out. But I think that’s how I wound up here in the first place. I’ve spent the last 10 years coming up with ways to share only the neatly packaged parts of myself. I’ve mastered the art of false vulnerability. If I share my weaknesses and fears with you, but only those I’m sure you’ll identify with, or those I think I actually have a handle on, well, that’s not vulnerability at all. That’s self-protection. That’s me trying to get you to like me. That’s me creating a new mask. No. I can’t do that. It’s all or nothing (which is why there has been so much nothing lately). So, this will either be a place where I continue to be honest, or it will remain an empty space containing brief moments of honesty from the past few months. I hope it to be the former. Stay tuned.