For the last year or so Bill has been drilling this idea into my head; that my life is a gift to be received, not grabbed at. That most things are none of my business, even the things that have to do with me. That I need to stop trying to control, manipulate, and/or create the circumstances and relationships that I think will best lead to my happiness, success, advancement, peace…etc. This seems like a no-brainer, but I think it may be the most difficult lesson I’ve had to learn. I’m more comfortable with the tension in a clenched fist than an open palm- I just am.
Looking back on the last 6 months it seems ridiculous how much I have received; how much God has given me without my grabbing or pushing or prying or trying.
I was burned out on my job and he gave me permission to quit.
I needed time and space to sort through all the crap that was coming to the surface- he gave me 6 months to travel and explore and create.
I needed clarity and he gave me a week of silence and solitude.
I needed to feel passion again and he gave me a job that excites and energizes me.
I needed to take risks and he surrounded me with people who push and challenge me.
I needed him to speak to me and he did.
It’s like everyday he’s saying, “Now do you believe me? Now will you trust me? NOW will you give me the rest?” But instead I keep looking for ways to take it all back. Starting conversations that I have no business having, worrying about matters that don’t concern me, GRABBING at the life I think I should have.
Brilliant. And so on we go with this game of tug-o-war. I hate that it takes me grabbing and failing to remember to release and receive. Someday I’ll give it up, pronounce God the winner. Realize that I actually want him to win- remember that I do win when he wins.
This is a great reminder Cath! I play tug-o-war with God too. I want to release and receive and let him win. Why do I find myself picking the rope back up to fight for control again? Thank you, Cathi! Thank you for being a friend that pushes and challenges me.